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It's funny how you can think your life is just fine. You think you are connecting with people, work is good, and things are just great. Then seemingly out of nowhere a week or two happens and you are slapped back to reality. It is interesting how fate, destiny, karma or whatever has no consideration that all this really comes to a head on your birthday. I mean really who cares, your birthday is really just another day. It isn't really anything important in the overall scheme of things so why should it matter if anything good happens that day or not. It shouldn't matter that the one day that you were hoping would be a good day and that maybe just maybe somebody gives a shit about you ends up being the worst day you have had in months. I forgot how much I really hate my birthday. It started out really well but ended horribly. I guess really I shouldn't let a few minor events ruin the whole day but whoever said I was logical.
I am an emotional person. I am pretty good at hiding it from everyone around me so I guess I shouldn't be surprised when no one gives a crap that what should have been a really good day ended up a horrible one. Oh well I guess that is life. At this point I am beyond caring. I don't want to be here. It has become even more obvious over the last 2 weeks that my existence has little to no meaning to anyone. Maybe I am being melodramatic and a drama queen but for once I don't care. This is how I feel and I am done denying it and trying to talk myself out of it because it isn't working. I have cried myself to sleep the last 2 nights and I can't sleep tonight. I don't want to be around anyone, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to talk to anybody. It has been a struggle to make myself even get up in the morning. It hurts to move, breathe, and my brain won't stop telling me how pathetic and stupid I am.
I know this already. I don't need it repeated to me evey waking minute of everyday and shown to me in my dreams at night. Please just make it stop. I wish I was strong enough and smart enough to deal with this crap but obviously I am not. I don't want pity and I don't want sympathy. I just want it to stop.
July 19 2005, 04:48:40 UTC 6 years ago
I'm so sorry you're feeling so low :(. But believe me, it isn't true that no one cares about your existence. Lots of people do, including me. I know it seems dark but you also know that it can get lighter -- can you go see the doctor maybe? Get some help so you can function while you learn to get better. . .I'm here if ya need me. *hug*
July 19 2005, 12:26:08 UTC 6 years ago
July 19 2005, 12:27:20 UTC 6 years ago
July 19 2005, 12:29:10 UTC 6 years ago
It is not a statement of your character or your strength that you can't make these feelings stop. It sounds to me like you have hit a really low point, especially if you are crying yourself to sleep so often. I'm going to share something with you that my best friend shared with me recently. This is a portion - word for word - of his email to me.
Lemme tell you a story.
This gal is walking down the street one day, and she falls in a deep, dark hole. While she’s down there, trying to figure out how to get out, she sees a doctor walking by. “Hey, doc! I’m down here in this hole, can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, drops it down the hole, and keeps walking. A little while later, a priest walks by. “Hey, father! I’m stuck down here in this hole. Can you help me out?” The priest writes down a prayer, tosses it into the hole, and keeps walking. So a while after that, she sees one of her friends walking by. “Hey, it’s me! I’m stuck down here in this hole. Can you help me out?” And the friend jumps down in the hole with her. “Geez, what’d you do that for,” she asked. “Now we’re both down in this stupid hole.” Her friend answers. “I know. But I’ve been down in this hole before, and I know the way out.”
I know perfectly well that you might feel right now like you don't have a friend who would do that. And I'm not going to say, "Well, I'm that friend!" because you know that the truth is that we don't know one another all that well. On the other hand, I *would* be willing to get to know you well enough so that I *could* be that friend.
Please do your best to take care of yourself. It is important that you do so. If you ever want my email addy, just let me know how to get it to ya and I'll send that and my IM handles on to you.
July 21 2005, 02:13:15 UTC 6 years ago
Anonymous
July 19 2005, 13:01:15 UTC 6 years ago
~martha
Anonymous
July 19 2005, 13:59:19 UTC 6 years ago
i know what it's like to feel low, and i know it feels like it won't ever get better....but it will.
it's ok to feel helpless about it right now, but just remember that there's a lot of people who love you very much...and would be more than happy to jump in that hole with you (like someone before me said). geronimo!!!! i'm there with you, bets! i love you!
~jen
July 19 2005, 21:07:41 UTC 6 years ago
Anonymous
July 20 2005, 04:58:27 UTC 6 years ago
Anonymous
July 20 2005, 13:32:26 UTC 6 years ago
Christy
July 20 2005, 16:38:16 UTC 6 years ago
~kit~